7:36 AM
Megan Bayliss
Yesterday I yelled, and swore, at my child because he would not come Christmas shopping with me. As soon as I did it, I wanted to take the words and volume back. I wanted to reverse the damage I knew I had caused. I cannot. The damage is child abuse and child abuse is lasting.
Keen to ensure that I knew I had hurt him, my child screamed back at me. He cried and he said, “I thought you were supposed to be on the side of kids.” I felt dreadful.
Parents get stressed; parents do often lash out verbally at their kids. However, there is no excuse for abuse. Provocation from our children does not equal child abuse as an acceptable means of discipline.
My child has Aspergers. He tests us to the limit because we are not adult or strong enough to remember that his behaviour is normal to him. In desperation, frustration and disempowerment, I emotionally abused my child because he was being a child with Aspergers.
Much emotional abuse to children occurs because we parents throw tantrums. Parents fail to work with their children in the child’s time frame. Busy lives, stressed finances and the pressures of Christmas turned commercial will turn many children’s Christmases into hell on earth this year.
The lesson for me yesterday was that the unequal balance of power between children and adults is enhanced by the use of adult words. My vocabulary range and intonation is far greater than my son’s and therefore a more potent weapon. I can choose to use my words to heal and help, but instead I used my toxic tongue to hurt and constipate.
No amount of apology will recover the hurt he experienced at my hands yesterday. I am the adult and I have the power to change my behaviour. I will bite my tongue when I want to lash out verbally, I will remember the hurt look on his face and I will remember that I am on the side of kids. I will use my words to help. I will think the thoughts of frustration but not allow them to slip from my lips. Nobody can read my thoughts, but my child can hear, and remember, my words.
Even though I am an advocate for protecting children, I am also a human being; a parent who needs reminding that child abuse takes many forms. It is not just sexual or physical abuse. Verbal abuse creates scars on the inside that nobody can see. Even though I am considered professional in the area of child abuse, I still need constant reminders that everything I do has the potential to hurt a child. If this is how it is for me, how much more supportive reminders do other parents require?
I share this personal confession with you because I want to help other parents cease their bad behaviours toward their children. I urge you to consider the potency of words that fall from your mouth in moments of anger. I urge you to remember that yelling, screaming, swearing and sarcasm directed toward your children are forms of emotional child abuse.
How do you stop yourself from emotionally abusing your children? By sharing your story, you may just give other parents ideas, hope and support. Together we can end child abuse: sexual, physical, emotional and neglect.
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Cheers!
3 months ago
14 Response to "Yelling and Swearing at Children is Emotional Child Abuse"
My wife and I hear this all summer long ! We have a neighbor with 2 children .I think the mothger is the one with the problem ! She will ask her kids to do something ,and within a minute ,she turns around cursing and swearing at them ,because they didn't do what she wanted ,right at that moment ! She does not know how to treat her children ! Her and her boyfriend think that they can make up the swearing at them by throwing parties. Those children are being scared for life ! If We had children, we would not let our children associate with them because of the language !They were brought up that way ,and that is how they treat their children ! They don't deserve to have children .Child services should take them away ! That is an example of people abusing the welfare system ! They keep pounding out children that they don't care about ,and who has to pay for it? Hard working citizens some of which can't have children ,but know how to treat them!
G'Day Ms. Bayliss,
I'm an Aspie myself, and given my experiences with impatient teachers and others, I find your message inspiring. I've linked to you here.
Stay cool,
Jeff Deutsch
I'm glad I found this website finally... tonight I said so many terrible things to my 8YO and 5YO to the level that they started crying. I divorced last August on a basis of domestic violence.
It included physical, verbal, emotional, social, spiritual, financial and in a way sexual abuse too but I did not see it that way until very much later.
My ex and I settled for money matter finally in Feb for very little money. Once I signed the paper, he started receiving money and now he seems to be a millionaire. He was hiding it overseas, I guess. That gave me s**t, but anyhow I overcame that anger and frustration. Now that he says he wants to take me to the court for the kids matter because he thinks I am not letting him see the kids enough. If he really does, then it will take all the little money he paid me for settlement will be taken away from me for the battle! This news gave me unbelievable load of stress, I did not want to do anything but sleep. While sleeping, I don't have to think, noone can hurt me... so... for the past two days I have been sleeping a lot to escape from reality.
Tonight, my kids were behaving real crazy, happy but crazy and did not listen to me at all. Then I snapped. I told them to go back to their dad. Because they stick to me, he keeps giving me stress. I can't even work becasue I have them. I said I want to get rid of you and slammed the door on them. Of course they cried. And at that very moment, I know I really meant what I said... When I calmed down, I told my son I am under huge stress because of what his father said to me, and their crazy behaviour tonight snapped me but still I can not say stuff like that. I told him if he wants to tell anyone about this, he can becasue it was really bad, He said he won't because he does not want to get me in trouble... I really hate myself for it. I can't forgive myself for saying those things to my beautiful children who love me unconditionally.
I just bought a book mark for my daughter "We are all in this together"... and what am I doing?
I have to be stronger. I can't let my anger take myself over. I can't let my ex make me do these things to my kids. I am just as bad as him.
Tomorrow morning, I just want to give them the biggest hugs and kisses. I will promise to them that I will never do that again.
They are never wrong, no matter how naughty they are. I can't take anger out on them. They are just happy children. And it is blessing.
My dad yells at my brother and I constantly whenever we do something wrong really. And he is constantly calling us "Little S***s" when we do something that maybe he doesn't like. Would this for example be emotional child abuse?
Thank you!
I know I am not in the same situation as anyone else from what I've read here, but tonight my boyfriend's 9 year old son is visiting with us and I could not have felt like a bigger donkey for this. It is hard enough that my boyfriend is still in the throws of battle over finances and visitation with his ex. I really don't want to make anything worse for him, but I fear I'm not the best with children.
Tonight, I had to speak to him once to ask him not to waste food during dinner and I thought I was understood and he was respecting my wishes until he started picking up his food and throwing it over his shoulder onto the floor. I told him that was just "f*&ing rude" and of course, heard my words a millisecond later and couldn't take it back. I realized I was heated by his lack of respect and left the room while his father dealt with it. I sat in my room tormenting myself with it trying to just calm down. It was unacceptable behaviour, but by no means justified that language. I did go back out and apologize to the child and indicated that that was not an appropriate word for me to use. He did acknowledge my apology.
Now, I feel odd being in the same room while he and his father watch a movie not knowing what the child actually thinks of what happened or what his father thinks. It did help a bit to read that humans do all make mistakes and I can remember the few times it slipped out of my parents' mouths growing up. Is it easier or harder when they are not even your own children?
I can't believe I am even writing this. I am a mother of a 4 year old boy and 23 month old girl. I am a teacher and what a thought was a very patient, kind person. Over the past several months, there have been times when my son has pushed me over the edge and I've totally lost it with him. I have never hit him, although I've been a bit rough, but the worst thing is that I have said in the heat of the moment, "You little f*ck". I can't believe I'm writing those words. People would be shocked to know I said those words to my son, I'm shocked, saddened, horrified. I said them under my breath, so I thought he couldn't hear me, but today, out comes the word from his mouth. He didn't use it in the right context, but it shocked me beyond belief. What did I expect would happen? I can't believe I have done this to my own child. I have NEVER acted like this before. I taught kids, and some really tough kids, and NEVER lost my cool. Why now? Anyway, I feel guilty beyond belief and so deafeted. I am experiencing so much pressure - money issues, no help, no relief..maybe that's why I've lost it like this on occasion. I wonder if I'm alone or if other parents have lost it like this, too. I talked with my husband tonight and am going to try some new coping techniques for when my son goes into these over-tired episodes and gets crazy.
Tomorrow is a new day, and I know I will never say anything like this again, or allow myself to lose my cool to this extent...
It's true that verbal abuse can create scars no one sees. While I love and respect my parents, looking back, there have definitely been times when our relationship was tested. I'm 18 years old, and growing up, my mom always swore at me and my two siblings, if she was upset or we didn't listen, etc. In retrospect, obviously we needed the discipline sometimes. But I'm always going to remember how I preferred getting spanked/slapped to getting sworn at. Because with spanking, the pain goes away after a while. With swearing, a child's self esteem can get shattered, leading to depression, and a persistent belief that you're never good enough for anything. There have been amazing times as well as awful fights. But I know I'm never going to swear at my kids. Also, the more a parent swears/criticizes, the more the child hardens toward that parent. It's even worse when the parent who doesn't usually swear gives in. With my mom, I was pretty used to it, even though it stil hurt. But I'll never forget the one day my said "f*ck you." to my face. It was worse because he was supposed to be the nice one, the one who could stay calm. Even though he apologized the day after, and tried to explain himself, I'm never going to forget. So my relationship to both of them changed after that. I talked to them less and less, had a very "whatever" attitude towards them, spent time with my friends more. Even now that I'm in college, I hardly call them. it's not the happy relationship like before, and if we ever do argue (rarely now), and they swear, I swear right back at them. it's like anything they say doesn't really matter. But they are still family, so I guess I can always trust them.
Thanks for all these comments. Over the autumn, I swore several times at my 17 year old daughter. Whatever I may say, there was no justification. I was and am the father / adult; I was the one who lost emotional control. After a period of self-reflection, I wrote a note to apologise and to commit never to do it again. Of course the damage is done and I only hope that over time, some of our previous good relationship can be recovered albeit it will never be the same as before.
I am a single parent, worked as in schools sometimes wit young children. When my own child was misbehaving or suborn, I would talk, shout, then swear.
He is now 21, lacks confidence and I am laddled with so much guilt.
He says he forgives me and mostly I forgive myself. I can not believe I did this. I though I was a nice person. Despite my verbal outbursts I did all I could for him as a mother.Apart from shut up, when he needed me too.
Where did I get this behaviour from. My mother taught me I think. As my sibbling tells me sometimes mom was horrible to her.
Where can I get help from. We both need it.
I don't know y'all personally, but can I say that you arn't all the big bad parents ye'all think ye are. While I don't agree with hitting, shouting or swearing at children due to my own experiences with my mother - compared to her I GAURUNTEE there is worst child emtional abusers out there than ye all. You are all parents that are allowed to make mistakes. Its when you don't learn from these and change is when ye'all have to feel like child abusers. The worst thing you could do to your child is degrade or humilate them - that will leave scars. The fact you are all writing on this blog is acknowledging your wrongs.
my parents make me do the chores. i live the life of a house wife chhild sister and student all in one. my mom is an unaware pill head and my step dad a functioning alcoholic. it used to be a mix of physical and verbal but now its verbal. if i cook wrong im criticized. if im sick im criticized. if im overwhelmed im criticized. if im doing 5 things at once and tey arent saticfied im criticized i barely leave my home and cant hide in my room i am a slob even tho im ocd. im a crybaby because i cant bottle up or i go back to cutting wen i was cutting it was for attention im ungrateful. and a dumbfuck!!!!!!!!!!! i have so much anger from it all my fiance has to buy me tampons and bras so they can have wat they want how do i fix myself please god help me 93 more days but i dont think i can do it is this emotioal abuse or is it normal?
this is in response to the comment from annonymous dated 20th January. Firstly, what you are dealing with at home is not normal. Secondly please seek help. I am not sure how old you are but if you have a fiance you must be a little older than a child. You are a strong girl and you should be proud of yourself. None of this is your fault. They are the ones with problems and they sound very unhappy with themselves. Keep your head held high, one day you can look back and be even stronger from what you experienced. Promise you will fight for yourself and demand the respect you deserve. When you can
you should get out and let them know how valuable you really are by your absence.
It is hard to read these comments and know that I have been in these situations. I have a four year old and two year old. Both beautiful smart girls and I keep loosing my cool with them; especially the two year old. I yell and I have said some terrible things. I hate to think that I have caused them some horrible damage. I am such a quiet person normally..I feel like such a bully to them. Everyday I pray to be patient and kind and to do better. I just hope I don't make them hate me.
These stories are all made up right? If not then you lot really are talking a load of absolute rubbish. You have all been influenced by a warped society. I was very naughty when I was young. I got shouted at and smacked many times. I have turned out fine and I love my mother for bringing me up so well. I am married and will be having my own children. Your children will be the abusive ones we see on the streets these days, who will probably never get (or even want) a job. I have been laughing at your comments. You really have no clue do you. No point me saying any more though, because I know you will think I am talking rubbish.
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