Yelling and Swearing at Children is Emotional Child Abuse

Yesterday I yelled, and swore, at my child because he would not come Christmas shopping with me. As soon as I did it, I wanted to take the words and volume back. I wanted to reverse the damage I knew I had caused. I cannot. The damage is child abuse and child abuse is lasting.

Keen to ensure that I knew I had hurt him, my child screamed back at me. He cried and he said, “I thought you were supposed to be on the side of kids.” I felt dreadful.

Parents get stressed; parents do often lash out verbally at their kids. However, there is no excuse for abuse. Provocation from our children does not equal child abuse as an acceptable means of discipline.

My child has Aspergers. He tests us to the limit because we are not adult or strong enough to remember that his behaviour is normal to him. In desperation, frustration and disempowerment, I emotionally abused my child because he was being a child with Aspergers.

Much emotional abuse to children occurs because we parents throw tantrums. Parents fail to work with their children in the child’s time frame. Busy lives, stressed finances and the pressures of Christmas turned commercial will turn many children’s Christmases into hell on earth this year.

The lesson for me yesterday was that the unequal balance of power between children and adults is enhanced by the use of adult words. My vocabulary range and intonation is far greater than my son’s and therefore a more potent weapon. I can choose to use my words to heal and help, but instead I used my toxic tongue to hurt and constipate.

No amount of apology will recover the hurt he experienced at my hands yesterday. I am the adult and I have the power to change my behaviour. I will bite my tongue when I want to lash out verbally, I will remember the hurt look on his face and I will remember that I am on the side of kids. I will use my words to help. I will think the thoughts of frustration but not allow them to slip from my lips. Nobody can read my thoughts, but my child can hear, and remember, my words.

Even though I am an advocate for protecting children, I am also a human being; a parent who needs reminding that child abuse takes many forms. It is not just sexual or physical abuse. Verbal abuse creates scars on the inside that nobody can see. Even though I am considered professional in the area of child abuse, I still need constant reminders that everything I do has the potential to hurt a child. If this is how it is for me, how much more supportive reminders do other parents require?

I share this personal confession with you because I want to help other parents cease their bad behaviours toward their children. I urge you to consider the potency of words that fall from your mouth in moments of anger. I urge you to remember that yelling, screaming, swearing and sarcasm directed toward your children are forms of emotional child abuse.

How do you stop yourself from emotionally abusing your children? By sharing your story, you may just give other parents ideas, hope and support. Together we can end child abuse: sexual, physical, emotional and neglect.